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(2 | Turn my back on yesterday)

-reflects- [01 Feb 2003|10:31pm]
This journal is full of so many memories. Good and bad. But unfortunately due to the fact that I have found my brother reading this and he told my mom about it I will have to be starting a new journal.

I will commment in your journals so that you will know what my new username will be so that my family can't follow my everymove.

I won't delete this journal just b/c this past year had been a great factor in making me who I am now. So I'll probably come back here and look back on all the stupid shit that I did and laugh at it once in a while.

But that's it for this journal.

The (virtual) page turns in my life and I'm moving on.....

(Turn my back on yesterday)

Well now that it's February... [01 Feb 2003|10:44am]
[ mood | listless ]

Bloody Valentines.

I see another lonely Valentine's Day coming.

As Matt so graciously reminded me this morning that I have been single for a year now.

God I'm such a loser.

And I wonder why I hate Valentine's Day. I guess no one has ever been able to change my view on this holiday. I just wind up getting screwed over each year.

(Turn my back on yesterday)

[01 Feb 2003|02:28am]
Makes you think.... what if?

Life's full of what ifs. What would have happened tonight if we hadn't stayed around bullshitting about tattoos? What if we didn't give Alicia a hug b/c it was her birthday? What would have happened if we didn't stop for Crispie Cremes at the gas station and they were sold out? What if we hadn't stopped for Wendy's?

It could have been us right behind that car. I'm making myself so weak thinking about all the details of what I saw tonight. It's disgusting what I'm doing to myself by reliving every moment in my head.

If there's one thing that I'm glad about tonight its about the people who were there with me. Just their presence meant so much even if they did so little at all. It's amazing what a friend can do without doing anything at all.

Well there is no longer any food left in me. And I'm starving but at the same time completely unable to eat.

(3 | Turn my back on yesterday)

I sincerely hope you don't think you're invinsible.... b/c we're all far from it. [01 Feb 2003|02:10am]
School was fine.

Play rehearsal was eh.

Went to a coffee house in Allendale which was good. Good times Good times.

Drive home. Not good times. (at about 12:45ish) So it's me, kelc, andy & jon driving home. And all of a sudden bumper to bumper traffic. Police cars & flashing lights. A fire truck arrives at the scene. We just sit there in disbelief. I call my mom (somewhat reluctantly)
MOM: What's wrong?
I knew she was going to say that but I assured her that I was fine and so was everyones else.

Then the flares go up. Traffic pretty much at a dead stop but slowly starting to move foward. I catch a glimpse of a car flipped over on it's side on the other side of the guard rail. Twisted and mangled. We see one man who seems to be ok.

Driving slowly past an accident scene is something I don't like to do. You pull in way to many of the details of what is happening and what is around you. Then we see the body covered by a blanket. Then you catch a glimpse of an arm. That image is going to be with me for a long time.

Maybe there's a reason that I saw that tonight. Maybe there's not. Whatever the reason I didn't like one single second of it. It made me think way to much. I know that death is a part of life but at 17 I don't want to live my life fearing my end.

I cried to myself as I drove home. Thinking about how 'that could have been me'. It could have been someone that I know. Please tell me that you don't think that you're invinsible. Just reassure me so I can live knowing that I told you you're not invinsible. So I can sleep better at night.

I got home after curfew crying. My parents were asleep so I couldn't let my feelings out with them. Not that I would b/c they just don't seem to understand anyways. So I guess that's my reasoning behind this entry is to just let out what's inside. And fuck that my mom is yelling at me telling me it's to late to be on here. F that I'm sorry that I just had a tramatic experience and that I'm a little unstable. Fuck you mom. Yea that's right. You.

Ok I don't even know what else to write.

(Turn my back on yesterday)

SCORE [31 Jan 2003|06:51am]
[ mood | happy ]

I had 2 differnent dreams last night.

Dreams are so great.

(Turn my back on yesterday)

"Now where was I again? Oh yea. hi mom!" [30 Jan 2003|01:07pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

hehe Health exam went by so quick so we had the rest of the time to chill, tell stories, draw maps, "access the databases", and draw pictures of Me, Sam and Megan squared. heh Those pictures are so awesome. heh And suddenly I have this intense craving for a Boston Creme from Dunkin Donuts. hehe Sam! But its not 5 am in the morning. HAH oh well perhaps this weekend it will happen.

Now you all can bow down to the Queen. The Queen of Bullshit that is. Those essays that I had to write for Pscyhology were just chock full of it. The first 2 I didn't know what the hell the subjects were and the last 2 I guess were kinda easy because it was more of a personal thing then something that was out of a book. Then me & MJ wrote notes to eachother.

I dropped off Chris & Ryan. I was waiting around for J & Matt but they cut their last exam b/c it was Lunch.

Tonite is my last night of work for this week. THANK YOU HEEBUS! (<-- lol Sam. how many inside jokes are we goin to develop in just one year?!) I figure I'll stay with it another week and make about $256 so I can get an oil change, new sneakers, and my tickets for SKATE AND SURF! Woot Woot! =D Can't wait til that.

Dude my mom is outta control. She keeps hiding the keyboard for the computer so she thinks I can't use it. Little does she know I find it everytime and just put it back before she gets home. Man mom's are dumb.

hehe oh yea and this is from back in the day that I just remembered

Lady in video about STD's & Sex:No sex, No babies.

(Turn my back on yesterday)

Why can't I feel anything from anyone but you? -tbs- [29 Jan 2003|10:13pm]
[ mood | flirty ]

Well since my dad said I can quit if I find another job I decided I need to find a new job ASAP. SO I might be getting a job with my neighbor at this party place called Little Rascals. So I'll have to dress up in funny costumes like Cinderella, Winnie the Pooh (OoO sexxy!), and Blues Clues and ish like that. And play with the little kiddies. Woot Woot. Anything to keep me from having to call peoples houses to find out if (as in the words of J) "If they like it up the butt."

But yea work tonight. That kid Alex came into work and gave Harry Potter a mug that says "harry" on it and has a picture of Harry on it. It was mucho funny. I made about 67 calls tonight and only got one person to come in for an interview. That sux.

Tomorrow. I'm gonna have dinner for the first time in 3 days. hehe No I'm not anorexic. I just lose interest in eating sometimes. So I'm having Dee's for dinner after I drop Andy off then its back to hell again with Harry Potter.

Damn it. I need a cell phone so when I get bored I can text people. I guess that's what my pay check is gonna be for.

Hmm Psychology & Health exam tomorrow. Psycho.. hard. 4 essays. Outta control I hate essays. Health.... I think Sam taught me enough from the dictionary of the health book for me to pass the test. heh "Now accessing the F database" Ah what will I do without that class? Atleast I won't be losing Sam! =D

(Turn my back on yesterday)

"Just tell me that you need me and stay right here with me."-GC- [29 Jan 2003|02:53pm]
Pressure is squeezing in........ and...... POP off goes my head. Ever since I started this new job I've had a headache 24//7 and the tension between me and my parents has never been so bad. This is outta control. My dad said I can quit that job if I find another one to replace it. My mom says I should keep that job. I don't agree with either of them. I don't want to keep that job and I don't want to replace it with anything but my job at Rita's.

My parents know I don't handle stress well. I guess they just want me to end up like I did in my sophomore year. Making myself physically sick to the point where I'm passing out 3 times in one day. I don't want to have to go through that again. Blood tests, MRI's, EKG's, EEG's I just can't take it.

I was finally liking the way my life was goin until this job came along and my parents forced me into it. Things were falling into place and I had something to look foward too. Life was making sense and I was finally smiling. I was learning to smile again. Genuinely smile.

(1 | Turn my back on yesterday)

"Just tell Harry to go away." [28 Jan 2003|10:24pm]
[ mood | wishful ]

Work. Agh. I was sittin there making the damn calls and my boss was like ok you can take your break. So I don't know what to do so I just take my purse and walk outside to get some fresh air. So I went to my car to listen to Something Corporate (which andy left in my car heh) to relieve my stress. Then I go back upstairs and I still have time so I sit in this little kitchen area. Then Harry Potter comes in and starts asking me questions and I guess I must have looked either terrified or miserable so this other kid Alex who sits next to me was like... "Hit the road Harry." I think that's the only part of the day that I liked. Then when it was FINALLY time to leave I asked Alex if work is always like that and he said "Yea it sux. Get out while you can." SO I think I'm quitting. Now how do I tell my mom? I dunno.

I wrote this really great poem in Algebra after I finished daydreaming and after the exam. I can't find it. I hope I didn't hand it in as my scrap paper. hehe That would SUCK! hahaha. Oh well I'll find it.

I close my eyes & all I see is you.

(Turn my back on yesterday)

[28 Jan 2003|02:47pm]
Ok wow. Algebra 2 exam. SO easy.

English. HORRIBLE.

Working again tonite. =*( Can't go to rehearsal. =*( Felt like calling and quitting this afternoon. I thought my mom was about to smack me. I'm gonna give it one more chance tonite and if this doesn't work them I'm just gonna tell them that I don't like working there and that the timing is just really off. And I'll probably get grounded for doin that but I'm sorry I can't just call peoples houses asking those kind of personal questions.

"I'll pass this moment thinking
of how I wished for one star to keep you warm at night,
and I pass this time regretting
I didn't wish for me to be with you under the star's last night."

(Turn my back on yesterday)

Uhm yea... [27 Jan 2003|09:57pm]
So my job entitles me to sit on my ass for 4 hours 4 nights a week to call random peoples houses to ask questions. Uhm yea. Not goin to happen. I don't care what my parents say. I'll do the 2 week trial basis of the job and if they like me.. too bad I quit. And I'm gonna make sure that they REALLY don't like me so they'll just let me go and give me my 2 weeks pay.

I mean they have me asking ridiculous, personal, embarrassing questions. I looked at the paper they want me to ask people if their homosexual or bisexual. Yea... not goin to happen. I'm not calling people to find out what their fucking sexual preference is. NO NO NO. I told my parents. Apparently they don't care.

The people that work there are really snobby. Except this Harry Potter looking kid. But... he's weird.

I got lost on the way home. Cried alone in my car down at the gate of the park b/c it was closed. SO I sat there crying at the gate then came home. Got yelled at b/c I didn't call my mom when I got there. Then my dad got involved and when he does that everything gets elevated to the next level which it shouldn't have to. But yea then there was more fighting and I told them that I am absolutely not going to stay at that job calling people to find out what their sexual preferences are.

But.... there's still a smile hidden behind the smudged makeup & the black mascara tears....

(Turn my back on yesterday)

hah I am so not gonna last at this new job. [27 Jan 2003|03:16pm]
I need to 'dress appropriately'! HAHAHA. What is considered 'appropriate' anyways? Does that mean no hoodies? Damn it. Do I even have enough 'appropriate' clothes to last me an entire 5 days of working each week? hehe

And... why should I have to get dressed up when no one can see me over the phone? I just don't get that.

(Turn my back on yesterday)

MJ says, "Why's it called a pocketbook? It isnt a pocket and it doesnt hold books either." [27 Jan 2003|01:35pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

heh MJ rocked 1st period. She was hysterical.

Ok so I wake up this morning and I can't hear out of my left ear. Now I can't hear out of my right ear. How am I going to start this new job which entails me being on the phone? Damn I guess I'll just have to have the volume all the way up on the phone. lol They'll think I'm deaf.

School. Eeeeeeeeek. My exams start tomorrow. I actually started studying for them. Go me. =D Tomorrow English & Algebra 2. Well atleast I'm getting those over with first since I despise them.

I think I'm gonna take a run back to the school later for wrestling practice. Eh maybe not.

hah my teacher told me that I looked smily & dazed today. -shrug- hehe I guess I've been pretty spaced out.

So all the cheerleaders were wearing their new "oh so cool" sweatshirts. Me & BoBo didn't. Cuz hey we're rebels and don't want to conform to what everyone else does. We're different. So there. =P OH yea I was walking down the hall with Kim and 2 of the cheerleaders walk down the hall and go "Oh Laura I love your sweatshirt!" and the other goes "Oh yea I love yours too." So then Kim says to me... " OH yea Jenn I LOVE your sweatshirt too!" haha They both gave me dirty looks for that. It's so great pissing people off. It brings me joy to know that I have the ability to annoy the people that annoy me.

I've got work from 5-9. I'd say come visit me but I can't have visitors. Or maybe I should tell you guys to visit me so I can get fired before I even really work there. That'd make my life a whole lot of fun.


"It's times like these where silence means everything." -TBS-

(Turn my back on yesterday)

bwahahaha sillyness! [26 Jan 2003|06:43pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

The Kelc: save meeeeeee
Chibi(haha): tell him to take a stick.... and shove it up his bum
The Kelc: oh, but i'm sure there's already one up there... if you minus the st and add a d

(Turn my back on yesterday)

[26 Jan 2003|04:06pm]
You've got this silly way of keeping me on the edge of my seat. -tbs-Collapse )

(Turn my back on yesterday)

Ohhhhh [26 Jan 2003|12:38am]
Tomorrow night is my last night of not having to work ridiculous hours. I really don't want to work there. Why did I take that job? It's goin to take away my life. My time. My everything. -smacks head- Stupid Stupid Stupid. And what am I goin to be doing on my last free night?... nothing. =*( Ohhhhh watch as I cry myself a river here.

The banquet... I don't even want to talk about it. It just gives me a headache.

I went to Asami's party for about.... eh 25 minutes. Yea.

Clarification please. You're making my head spin.

(1 | Turn my back on yesterday)

Shinu Parents. [25 Jan 2003|08:01am]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

Due to ridiculous parents I woke up for everything and wound up with a whole lot of nothing.

I tried to escape early this morning but without a reasonable excuse I wasn't allowed out of the house. =| Why couldn't they just trust me? So I was forced to see the sunrise through my bedroom window. With a freaking tree in my way. Not what I was hoping for at all.

Next time... I'm just gonna not go home. Sleep in my car. Sleep elsewhere so I can't get questioned about what I'm doing. Why I'm leaving. Who's gonna be there. I think I'm old enough to handle myself.

And I have to miss Asami's party b/c of a retarded cheerleading banquet. Why do I have to go someplace where I don't like 99% of the population. Grrrrrr. I need to ask Asami some 'choice' words in Japanese to yell out at the cheerleaders. That'll be fun. Just about the most fun I'll have there.

Oh well I'm still smiling.

(2 | Turn my back on yesterday)

[24 Jan 2003|08:51pm]
[ mood | awake ]

It was cold out. But that's ok.


(2 | Turn my back on yesterday)

I think that this class has enough outbursts from me for the year. [24 Jan 2003|01:48pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

School was pretty decent today. Except for the fact that it's as cold inside the building as it is outside of it. -shiver- Thank god for the WEEKEND! SCORE!

I saw John twice today. I made him walk me to class. haha I have control! Nahhhh just kidding. It was pretty funny though cuz we passed by my brother and I thought he was gonna jump us. OOOOOOO well. Then as I was getting ready to go home after 6th period he came up behind me and jumped on my back so I gave him a piggy back ride to his 7th period class for an exam. Well that is until we got yelled at. Ohhhhh getting in trouble is so... funny. Especially when the guards really don't even care what you do. I guess as long as you're not having sex in the middle of the hallway then you're ok.

HAH welllll I've got to be back at school @ 2:30 for wrestling practice. interesting. I should be back around 3:30. Then I've got rehearsal tonite. Hmmm. Busy scheduleness.

(1 | Turn my back on yesterday)

Silly Boys.... ANNOYING BROTHER! [23 Jan 2003|09:49pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Hebus. I don't even know where to start explaining this all. So this kid John and I were fooling around today at the wrestling match after the JV match was over. Apparently my brother took offense and thought that what we were doing was inappropriate so he felt the need to fight him and try to beat him up. So I find out that they had to actually break them apart. WOW my brother can't take a joke. And my brother never sticks up for me about anything. So why now does he find the sudden interest in protecting me? Especially since there was nothing to protect me from. It was just all fun and head games. Sheesh. I hope he didn't hurt little John. He's fragile you know.... hehe. I also got tortured by this kid Rich he got water all over my purse. That nut. It was a crazy nite sitting in those bleachers with a bunch of wrestlers. But it was amusing.

I guess I should really start studying for midterms. Mine start on Tuesday. =\ English is gonna be a bitch. Algebra 2.... well I took it last year so maybe I'll actually get some answers right this time around. Chorus is a sinch. Psychology will be easy... if i actually read the book. Health... eh I think I've learned enough from the dictionary to suffice. History is sooooo easy.

Lookout point looked so nice today. Can't wait to go back.

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